Dan didn't come yesterday ~ he didn't meet us at the rainbow center. I'm a little worried about him, but he's probably okay ~ most likely he was just too hungover to come. Anyway ~ I had a dream about him last night ~ a lot of people were over, including him ~ but we kept ending up being together ~ and always holding hands. One dream dictionary says:

A dream about holding hands with someone means that you are needing and willing to develop close friendships. It may also mean you are feeling sexy, or want some physical affection. Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch or drifting apart from that person.

I think the last part is definitely true. I wish he was going to be around next year. We only got to really get to know him at the end of the year, and we're going to miss him a lot. Well, Blessed Be Dan! We all love you.

                   Terrorists be damned. We will fight back, and we will win. God bless the wonderful people of London, and everyone across the world who is not a terrorist!

So I was feeling depressed last night - and I wrote a song - this morning - I wrote another song. They are both very alike, so I need to know which one people like better. The first one, or the second one. If you could be so kind as to tell me, that would be greatly appreciated. They are rather gothically styled, so you have to try and get in that mind set to get them, and be able to pick one. I recommend maybe listening to a lot of Evanescence before hand. Anyway, have fun with the choice! Keep in mind - there are things that are verses, choruses, and bridges, I just didn't label them. Just tell me what words you like better.

Kill Me Part 1

I’ve reached that point again,

The point of no return,

Where all I know is what I feel,

And I forget everything I’ve learned.

I see your face, it calls to me,

Through the shattered glass,

And I give up this life I’ve built,

To jump back into the past.

I surrender to you . . .

Take me, take me,

I promise I’ll be your everything,

Take my heart and break it baby,

Your touch is all I need,

It sets me free,

The only problem is . . .

The one thing I want the most … will kill me.

I walk slowly towards you,

Over water and over fire,

Nothing can stop me now,

It’s too much, this great desire,

Any scream would be silent,

Any ounce of pain is washed away,

You take me in your arms,

And I wish, I long to stay.

You hold my spirit in your hands,

You’ll never know or understand,

You’re killing me,

My body’s lying there next to you,

But my spirit’s flying free, away from me,

I try to call it back,

But I watch it float away,

You’ll hold me tighter, and somehow,

Things will be okay,

Who needs a soul anyway?

As long as we stay this way … things will be okay.

I surrender to you…

Take me, take me,

I promise I’ll be your everything,

You’ve got me wrapped around your finger,

Just please don’t break the string,

I need you, I want you,

The problem is…

You’re still that one thing… that’s killing me.

Kill Me Part 2

So won’t you, kill me,

Stab me with your honesty,

Tear me, tear me apart,

Strip me, down to my core,

Just kill me, rip out my heart.

You come to me, down on your knees,

Beg me, just a few minutes more,

You tell me, everything you feel,

I get wrapped in the story, like it’s some ancient lore.

Isn’t if funny how the roles change,

I take your place, and you succumb to me,

You hear my voice; you’re drawn to it,

Only me kiss, will set you free.

When I’m gone your world shatters,

But you see my face, you hear my song,

You can’t resist, you need my kiss,

The though of it keeps you hanging on.

Kill me, stab me, tear me, strip me, rip out my heart . . . rip out my heart.

Thanks! ~ Nina

So basically - I got over it. The whole thing - I'm fine now. I figured out that it was more the fact that he didn't want me, then the fact that he played me. You see, my dad didn't want me, my step father doesn't want me - so I just tend to get all these issues when another guy in my life decides he doesn't want me. Oh well, that's just something I'll have to get over myself. The other problem was, that I run from all my problems. And the one thing that I think will make me feel better, does, for the moment, and then once it's over, I have to go back to all my problems, and remembering all my responsibilites, and the fact that I couldn't get it again - made it that much worse. But oh well.

Sad thing happened yesterday ~ I got a call from my best friend telling me one of our favorite teachers from last year died. Brian Beckius - our science teacher. The sad thing is ~ I don't think we ever told him how great he was ~ and now I really regret that. I guess we all just figured we'd tell him next year, or senior year, so it wouldn't go to his head or something. But now he's gone and we can't tell him. There's a song that describes a situation quite like this, and the message is the same ~ don't wait to tell someone how you feel about them, tell them today, because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

So last night I just had to follow him, and sit right in front of him. I listened to him, and out of the corner of my eye I watched him . . . with her. I watched them cuddle, kiss, suck . . . I thought I was going to explode. I haven't yet . . . but either way . . . when I got home last night I wrote a poem . . . and it goes like this . . .

Can You Handle My Truth?

I stand in front of the mirror,

As stripped as anyone could be,

Trying to figure out what every other girl has,

That you can’t find in me.

I look deep into my soul,

Examine every thought,

Every little emotion,

Every lesson that I was taught.

Is there something that I’m missing?

Some black hole that you can see,

And are you sure it’s not the part you took,

The heart you stole from me.

You had it you know,

Still beating in your hands,

But you just sold it to the highest bidder,

You didn’t understand.

You didn’t know I yearned for you,

And sometimes dreamt of you at night,

You don’t know how much I longed for your kiss,

Or for you to hold me tight.

I felt like such a fool,

Being so completely addicted to you,

Like a naïve little puppy,

Waiting each day for you at school.

And even more then a fool,

I felt more like a whore,

Wanting just one more hit, just one last kiss from you,

Hoping desperately that it would even the score.

And I must say… you kept your true feelings hid well,

So you could come back and play with me,

When another girl learned how you operated,

You knew my kiss would still be free.

But you see, here’s the problem with that…

At one point or another I’ll stop coming,

And I know it’ll throw you off track,

Because you’ll wonder what it was you did,

That made me not want to come back.

So let me tell you somethin’ babe,

You played me and I’m through,

All you wanted was a slut,

Someone to play the ‘fuck buddy’ for you.

But I no longer want that role,

So in fact you must recast,

But before you do,

I’d like you… to take a quick look at the past.

You started off with stealing my heart,

Through cute things like hugs,

But then you moved on to making out (and such),

Like every teenage boy does.

And then there were those mornings,

Where I’d watch you stare at me,

But you couldn’t come over to say hi, oh no,

Even though you walked RIGHT BY!

And those girls that you let hang all over you,

At every chance you got,

You’re a pathological flirt I know,

But didn’t you think the first hundred were a lot…

Maybe even ENOUGH!

But ya see, that’s not why I’m mad…

The reason that I’m pissed at you,

Is this and only this,

You told me it was only me,

But it only took you a week and a half to find a new wench to kiss!

Either way I hope to see you soon,

I really truly do,

Cuz for once I’d like to be on the other side,

And have some fun with you.

I may play with your head a little,

I may bat around your heart,

I may even beat you at your own game,

So be careful and be smart.

Cuz you see I would do anything,

To put myself into your shoes,

To be on the side that gets to see,

Hey watch this! *MWA* (to some other guy) and ‘Fuck you!’